Vintage Dieting and My Sveltification Project.

I've mentioned before that I have three little boys that are the apples of my eye. Unfortunately, I let these three apples do a number on my figure.  It doesn't help that I'm Mexican and if there are three things Mexicans know how to do well it's cook, eat, and drink.  The Holy Trinity, if you will.  Pair this with an aversion to physical exertion and you have yourself a recipe for disaster. I tried not to beat myself up too much about it, that is, until, I watched Jayne Mansfield in Promises! Promises! and realized she made this movie after birthing and breastfeeding three kids.  

That is some black magic/voodoo right there.

Oh well, I figure what has been done can be undone, and what can't be undone can at least be covered up with Spanx, girdles, corsets, and assorted ropes and pulleys.

But that got me thinking.  I've always loved vintage clothing but can rarely wear it.  Even though the tag says size 12, unless you are a modern size 6, that circa 1956 lavender tulle prom dress is not going to zip up.  DAMMIT JANET! Why were women so tiny back then?  Argh!  All my old cookbooks call for whole milk, butter, eggs, cream, organ meats, and fatty cuts of beef.  So what gives? Obviously, portions were smaller and Cheetos didn't exist.  Also, I'm assuming young women in the 50's grew up during the Depression when food wasn't always plentiful.  There are exceptions.  My Mexican Grandma is 5'10 with a size 10 shoe.  Her sisters were all about 6 foot with size 11-12 feet.  They often sewed their own clothes and according to Grams, they took the train to Los Angeles to have their shoes custom made by a father and son team that knew their shit.  They grew up during the depression and WWII but I'm guessing the difference, besides genetics, was that their dad was a vaquero and resident vet on a ranch, so food was never an issue in their house. 

When noting the size difference between modern women and women from 2-3 generations ago, people always point out that Marilyn Monroe was a "size 14" and "hefty" by today's standards.  Bullshit.  Anyone that knows vintage clothing knows that 50's era sizing bears no resemblance to modern sizes.  When Anna Nicole became famous, everyone drew comparisons between her and MM, which was misleading.  By all accounts, Anna Nicole was one big bitch.  Marilyn was downright tiny.  Curvy, but tiny.  For most of her career Marilyn stayed between 115-120, which is pretty slender for 5'6.  During times of stress, her weight temporarily "ballooned" to 140 *gasp.*

Still, I find Ms. Monroe's fitness regime intriguing.  She dabbled with weight lifting and stayed generally active (I'm assuming while not on a bender.)

I often workout in jeans and a bikini top, too.

Oh, hai!  I didn't see you there.

Plus, according to The Bombshell Manual of Style, Marilyn's defluffing diet doesn't exactly sounds like that of a petite little dewdrop.  It seems like she just ate normal food.  Except for "sweetbreads." Wtf?

Breakfast:

8:00 A.M. Orange juice or stewed prunes

Cereal, well cooked

Toast (white), 2 slices, crisp, with butter

Milk or weak cocoa, 1 cup

10:00 A.M. Milk, 1 cup, and 1 cracker

Lunch or Supper:

1:00 P.M. Choice of:

Egg, 1 (boiled, poached, shirred or scrambled)

or cottage cheese, 2 tablespoons

Choice of:

Potato, 1, baked or mashed

or spaghetti, boiled with tomato or butter (no cheese)

or noodes, 1/2 cup (boiled), add milk (no cheese)

Toast or bread (white), stale, 1 slice, with butter

Jell-O or cooked fruit

3:30 P.M. Milk, 1 cup, and 1 cracker

Dinner:

6:30 P.M. Choice of:

Lean beef (boil, broil or roast)

or chicken

or lamb chop

or sweetbread

or fish

or chicken liver

Potato, 1 (any way but fried)

Choice of:

1/2 cup tomatoes, beets, carrots, spinach, string beans or peas, pureed or strained

Bread (white), 1 slice with butter

Dessert: junket, custard, tapioca pudding or rice pudding or baked apple

11:00 P.M. Eggnog

Who knew eggnog was dietetic?  I'm sure it just boils down to calories in and calories out but I commend MM for eating well and enjoying food.  It beats eating baby food and air.

So that's where I'm at.  Trying to get back in shape and zip up those vintage cocktail dresses.  If my project fails, I can always use feathers to hide my double chin.

Plan B.

XOXO,

Rawnie

From The Classy Broad's Bookshelf

I'm a regular at the flea market.  I'm willing to risk sunburn and a case of scabies to sift through junk in the hope that I might strike gold - and yes Kittens, I did strike gold.  Mad Men-style.  A book dealer, who may or may not have been an angel, sold this gem to me for $3:

The Secretary's Guide to Beauty - Charm - Poise.  Milady Publishing.  1962.

(soak all that in)

Behold!

It even gives do's and dont's for smoking.  Hearts and stars.

Like smoking, fashion is very important in the secretarial field.

Now, let's get down to brass tacks.  This is a text book for what looks like an early 1960's charm school.  Contrary to popular belief, young women had several choices back then.  You could get knocked up around April of your senior year in high school and subsequently marry your beau hunk right after graduation and try to pass your baby off as premature, you could go to college and get your MRS degree, or you could be totally modern and enter the work force.   Obviously this is a text book for the modern woman and flipping through it almost makes me want to drop everything (and by everything, I mean, abject poverty, Judge Judy reruns, and pajamas till noon) and become a secretary right now.  But then I remembered that I actually once was a secretary and it totally sucked balls wasn't as glamourous as it sounds.  I wore Old Navy Polar Fleece to work, ate Lean Pockets at my desk, and the only flirting I did was over the phone with our middle-aged leasing agent in Georgia.  Obviously things have changed since the 1960's but, Dammit Janet, that doesn't mean I can't pretend.

Another treasured tome from my hastily constructed Ikea Blürgen bookshelf is 

The Bombshell Manual of Style, by Laren Stover.  

Judging by the cutesy watercolor illustrations, I don't think this book was meant to be taken as seriously as I've taken it.  The author basically watched a bunch of old Jayne Mansfield, M. Monroe and Kim Novak movies, and then consulted a friend's mom who sounds like she may have been a bit of a putita, and decided to write a book outlining why a bombshell is so irresistible and what makes her tick. Jayne Mansfield, I am not, BUT, I do feel like I have an inner bombshell locked away under heavy layers of yoga pants, old sweatshirts, and life-long snark.

So why am I talking about these books?  Alright,  I'm 31 29-ish (forever,) and I've never been very lady-like.  It never bothered me until recently.  Maybe it's because my fancy brother called me "ghetto" but then said "just kidding" even though we all know that's Passive-Aggressive 101 for "I'm trying to be honest.  You're seriously fucking ghetto."  Or maybe I'm just growing up and realizing that I'm not aging like a fine wine, but more like a rancid bottle of MD 20/20 that's been in your fridge for a few years and you have no idea where it even came from (warning: don't drink it.)  Le sigh.  I don't know.  I think I just see certain traits in other people that I admire and we all could use some self-improvement.  Don't get me wrong. I don't want to change who I am.  I'm probably still going to drink (quite) a bit and drop a creative swear word here and there (and everywhere) but there's no reason I can't be well-mannered while doing it.

So this is my project.  Let's get classy as fuck Let's get sophisticated!